All stories are true, and this one even happened.
Dear Crazy Uncle Eddy,
We had begun worrying more and more about the strength of Ziva and her army. The rumors of her secret island could wait no longer, and we set off to investigate. The Guen, Salty Pete, TKWIII, Gramzeekrabs and I set off in one of Darrows ships in the direction of where her secret island is rumored to be. After circling the island in question, we found no obvious location or starting point, so we ship anchored and took a dingy into the shore. We beached and secured the dingy and began walking inland following a rough path which did not show signs of recent use. The rough path ended at the mouth of a picturesque cenote.
Without sufficient rope or climbing skills and unwilling to just take the plunge to the wet depths below, the Salty Pete cast featherfall upon us all, and we began floating merrily down into the cavern. I remember thinking as we descended that this better be the way since we had no shot of making it back up to the top in any sort of expeditious manner.
Like a moth to flame, we floated to towards death blissfully unaware. We jumped off the edge and enjoyed the beautiful view. The whole cenote was beautiful, it was like nothing I had ever seen before. And then a monster came at us from a perch on the wall of the cenote like nothing I had ever seen before either. I can’t remember if it was the guen or the crazygramzee that fired a spell at the two headed monster, but it was soon pissed off like a possessed dwarf missing his beard. The thing flew right at her with jaw gaping looking for revenge in the form of a snack. We rallied healed our friend and attacked again. The monster was clearly bleeding from a vicious set of natural causes. The monster decided to take a pass at me and try its luck there. Like a juicy steak I floated downward. The beast did not miss a second time. There was little I could do as his maw had clenched on to me. But the ever valiant TKWIII accomplished an amazing string of heroic feats as he grabbed the beast flying by and swung himself up on top and hung on for dear life with one hand and slashed at a neck with his sword hand. Apparently having two heads is cause for confusion becasue the fooking thing tried to swallow me, and doesn’t he know, “No eats me for dinner.” Before I could see the bottom of his gullet, I summoned the powers of hops and barley for Hanseath to make me bigger. I say fook him, as I grew twice as big and put on sudden weight to be over 151 stone. Instead of letting the weight plummet him to the floor, the thing spit me back out again to see both TKWIII and Salty Pete in the water with the ladies pummeling it with spells and the mephit clawing at the beast. Fookin idiot think I was his dinner. We proved victorious, and once again my compatriots were amazed at my healing abilities. It is so easily they forget that Hanseath smiles upon us all in different ways.
All healed we quickly looted the skeletons and remains scattered in the shallow pool and searched for the path to take. Salty Pete’s Halley to the rescue again. Whether she is naive to the dangers or willing to go ahead despite the danger as pure bravery, I cannot tell, nonetheless, I raise my drink to her. She forged ahead in the underground cave system trying to find a route to where we needed to go. With glow sticks and rope, Halley mapped out the route connecting air pockets over ½ a mile to the full cavern opening. We held our breath, swam like mad and tried our best not to drown (what an embarrassing way for a dwarf to perish) and we eventually made it to the cavern. We did have a few close calls but Hanseath smiled upon us all.
We seemed to make it to the cavern in an unconventional manner as the only thing waiting for us was a solitary door. Sure enough the thing was trapped. I called upon the bitterness of the hops and sweetness of the barley, I channeled my rage at the spell guarding the door and the spell was disarmed. We moved through the door into a hallway before the alarm could re-set. We found a giant circle on the floor of the next room. My hesitation told me no, but Salty-Pete’s luck told him yes. He jumped into the circle and I refused to enter. His luck beat out my hesitation and everyone that followed his lead was safe, but everyone that remained outside the circle received a mighty burn.
In the next room we were able to get a jump on some drow guarding a portal. Despite their cunning use of invisibility and stealth, Salty-Pete rendered it worthless with glitter, because he is just that fabulous. The fight would have been much more difficult had they been able to get the jump on us, but since we got the jump on them, it didn’t prove to be much of a match.
As the battle concluded, I drank from my tankard to refill my personal hops and barley levels. The whole room was making me nervous, and a good strong drink was what Hanseath ordered to calm the nerves. The pulsing portal was enough to drive anyone batshit crazy, and it is exactly the kind of thing to make our old gramzeekrabs’s curiosity fly off the chart. I started inspecting the portal to find a weak spot or find out what and where it came from. Poor, gramzz crabs wanted to inspect the portal as well… from the other side! It was like everyone else forgot how bat shit crazy the old woman really is. We were all witness to the nutty dear old woman use her hair to keep a cranky crab as a pet which killed her a few days ago, you would think they would learn. Before I could stop them, my compatriots all agreed to inspect the portal from the inside. I am not sure if I would have been able to control or break the portal, because I certainly ran out of time. No sooner had Gramzeekrabs led the party through the portal, than was Zombiegramzeekrabs leading my zombie compatriots back out of the portal. So uncle I am not sure I can convey how sweet it was to head back to the ship in a dingy full of zombie friends.